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Attraction is a funny thing. It can be based on personality, shared interests, hormones—but if you relied on the lens of Hollywood, you’d probably say it’s purely based on appearance. Attractiveness, especially for women, has some highly narrow parameters: smooth skin, taut body, lush hair—an amped-up version of the hallmarks of youth.

What Hollywood Still Gets Wrong

Nowhere is that clearer than in Hollywood, particularly during the recently-wrapped awards season, when fillers, muscle relaxers, and of course, the hair extensions abound. Actor Mindy Kaling wrote in her book Why Not Me, “The real trick of having gorgeous hair is quantity. Piles of thick, cascading, My Little Pony-style hair. To keep up with this trend, everyone uses hair extensions—and I mean everyone.”

The notoriously tight “rules” of what makes someone attractive (think Julia Louis Dreyfus and her “last f**kable day”) felt like they softened a bit with this past year’s Best Actress Oscar nominations for Karla Sofia Gascon (52), Fernanda Torres (59), and Demi Moore (62). Moore’s role even tackled the question of attraction and its price head on in The Substance. Despite her career, often a factor in the Academy’s recognitions, and her place as one of an age majority, Moore’s work went unrecognized. Instead, the Academy was attracted to 25-year-old Mikey Madison, who won for a role that largely consisted of her screaming and simulating sex. Yet again, the majority white male voting body promoted its conventional views, validating the implacable lens of the male gaze.

The Filtered Fantasy We Keep Buying Into

There’s no doubt that the trickle-down impact is real. Think about the last time you saw a picture of an actor or other celebrity, likely retouched, and felt a pang of dissatisfaction. Never mind that numerous icons have commented on the unreality of physical “perfection.” Supermodel Cindy Crawford famously said, “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” But the insistence remains that this highly filtered and Photoshopped version of beauty is what constitutes attractiveness.

It’s no revelation that American culture emphasizes physical attractiveness, often making it seem interchangeable with attraction, full stop. But we can also be attracted to people who provide emotional attraction, like seeking out someone who makes us feel understood or deeply connected. This might look like something along the lines of Nicholas Sparks’ romances like The Notebook, where people are meant for each other because of their deep emo bond. Or we might be attracted to someone who provides intellectual attraction, like seriously admiring another person’s big brain. Of course, what looks like one might easily be another: People assumed Marilyn Monroe admired Arthur Miller for his intellect, but many think he also offered her emotional stability.

What Actually Attracts Us

Physical attraction alone is a narrow, and often unsatisfying, element. Pheromones are great, but personality, humor, confidence, and emotional intelligence contribute at least as much to pulling someone in. A while back, someone commented that a guy I was seeing was “punching above his weight.” What he meant was that he didn’t understand the physical attraction, why I would choose him. Setting aside that I was very physically interested, I was also drawn to this man’s willingness to express himself and be emotionally vulnerable. The person who made the comment lacked that completely, which made him unattractive to me both emotionally and physically. Sorry, dude.

Furthermore, attraction is much more than romance. Think about when you met your best friend—the person who also rolled her eyes at the boss’s stupid joke, or who casually mentioned that he wanted to learn Portuguese and move to Brazil when he retired, or who admitted that she doesn’t know how to swim but always wished she could. The shared reaction, or admiration for a lofty goal, or vulnerability about a skill could all attract you to this person, leading you to form a connection—or at least recognize the possibility of one—where you might not have before.

You might also find attraction can point you toward unexpected work changes or developments. While I never wanted to jump her bones, I was very much attracted to a former boss’s sincerity, compassion, and perceptiveness. That attraction was what led me to tell her that, when she left our employer, I was ready to follow her wherever she landed next. As a superior, her commitment to her subordinates radiated through those qualities and made me willing to likewise commit to her.

Can You Choose To Be Attractive?

I don’t know if you can cultivate attraction—or attractiveness—in any direction. Red carpets, magazines, and self-help programs tell us otherwise, but they’re selling us on a packaged ideal. Retouching and enhancing are meant to make us strive for the unattainable, convinced that with this product or that program, we can attract. But we can refuse to buy what they’re selling. Attraction and attractiveness ultimately hinge on who we are at our core. When that meets its match in a friend, a lover, what have you, we connect simply, authentically, and truthfully.

Words seldom associated with Hollywood.