Michelle Smith* spent more than $100,000 on her daughter’s wedding. “I have only one daughter, and we wanted to give her the wedding of her dreams,” says Smith. She was letting her heart self-sabotage her finances.

That money was taken from retirement funds. “In hindsight, was it worth it? I can’t answer that. How do you measure the value of giving someone their dream? It was a great party, a great memory,” says Smith.

She has no regrets, “Maybe this means she won’t get as much money when we pass or that our retirement is a little leaner. But if a financial advisor had told me not to, I would have gone against their advice. A daughter’s vision pulls on a mother’s heart strings.”

Smith is like many 55+ women whose big hearts or emotional baggage can sabotage their finances. Talk to psychologists and financial planners and there’s no shortage of stories of good intentions gone bad,

“When it comes to women ages 55+, financial self-sabotage is often deeply tied to emotional and psychological roots, shaped by personal history, societal expectations, and the coping mechanisms they’ve relied on for decades,” says Gayle MacBride, PhD., a licensed psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners.

For example, she says, women born in 1970 or earlier often were raised with a different relationship to debt and feelings about financial security. They may even have struggled with or against traditional gender roles when it comes to money and money management. What’s key, says MacBride, is understanding the root causes and creating strategies to address them.

Chances are, you might be guilty of behaviors that may come back to bite you big time. Show yourself grace. Acknowledge where you are, dig deep to determine why you do what you do, and move forward.

Why Women 50+ Sabotage Their Own Finances Without Realizing It: Family Bank Syndrome

Do you repeatedly bail out adult children or grandchildren, even to the point of depleting your retirement savings? You may be suffering from what Paul Hyun Park, a certified public accountant who runs his firm The ParkBooks, calls, “family bank syndrome.”

While coming to everyone’s rescue may make you feel like a hero, there’s nothing heroic about it if it hurts you financially. “Many women in this age group have internalized the role of caretaker and believe their worth is tied to their ability to nurture others. Many were largely raised to believe their families happiness was their responsibility. This often stems from long-standing gender roles and the expectation that women put others first, even at their own expense. Women were taught to seek their worth in the approval of others. Women tell me one of their biggest shame triggers is being seen as selfish,” says MacBride.

There’s nothing wrong with looking out for yourself. Just like when you’re on an airplane and they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first and then help others, the same goes for your money. To change, MacBride says, “Set a clear scope of responsibility and boundaries. Understand your worth does not come from what you can give others, it’s by being you. Practice saying ‘no’ kindly, but firmly, and don’t see financial support as a way to stay connected and relevant in their lives.”

Nick Bach, a psychologist and CEO of Grace Psychological Services says, “Don’t give in to the desire to feel needed, or the belief that good mothers always help.”

The Hidden Self-Sabotage Money Mistakes That Keep Women 50+ Stuck

Going overboard with holiday gifts or milestone celebrations with lavish spending can be an attempt to “right” the past, especially if you grew up in financial scarcity or without emotional security. “The mindset is, ‘If I couldn’t have it, at least my loved ones can.’ We may not even realize that we are acting on unresolved childhood deprivation. Material generosity doesn’t heal old wounds,” says MacBride.

Park has seen the damage such actions can bring, “A client drained $30K in savings last year on grandkids’ gifts,” he says.

Stay a step ahead of your urges and know what triggers overspending. “Give thought to the intention behind a purchase before you make it. Create a budget and stick to it,” says MacBride.

It wasn’t a good idea decades ago when your grandma let grandpa make 90 percent if not all financial decisions, and it doesn’t work now. Yet, some women still see the man as CEO of the household.

“Some women in this age group habitually defer important financial decisions to their spouse. This can lead to missed opportunities and a lack of control over their financial destiny,” says Janeil Pierre, author of “The Money Confidence Code.”

She explains the mindset, “Many grew up in households where financial decisions were considered ‘men’s work.’ This conditioning can create a false belief that women are not capable of making sound financial choices.”

How can you get beyond this? Pierre says to take an active role in personal finance. Learn about investments, retirement planning, and budgeting. Read financial books, browse financial websites, and attend workshops. Educating yourself will build your confidence and no doubt lead to you making better financial decisions.

How to Break the Cycle of Financial Self-Sabotage: Save Your Emotions for Netflix Bingeing

It’s far better to get all up in your feelings on the latest Netflix series, but money and emotion can be a costly combination. “Using shopping as emotional comfort or to maintain appearances, particularly during life transitions like retirement, is a bad idea,” says Pierre.

Park had a client in her 60s who nearly bankrupted herself trying to keep the same lifestyle post-divorce. “It took us two years to get her back on track. The emotional aspects of money run deep,” he says.

Pierre understands why you go there. “Many women feel that giving generously, whether to loved ones or themselves, fills an emotional void or compensates for perceived shortcomings.”

Harpreet Saini, CEO of We Buy Houses in Metro Detroit, is working with a woman in her late 50s who confessed that she’d run up a credit card bill of $20,000 online shopping to fill the void after the kids moved out.

Retail therapy might provide a temporary mood boost, but it can wreak havoc on your long-term financial goals. To help keep your emotions from controlling your wallet, assess whether the spending aligns with financial goals before making purchases. Implement a budget that allows for thoughtful giving without jeopardizing personal stability.

Pierre says that many women in this age group are overly conservative with their investments, keeping substantial portions of their retirement savings in low-yield vehicles like savings accounts or CDs. “While this feels safe, it often leads to their money losing purchasing power against inflation and missing out on the growth needed for a comfortable retirement,” adds Pierre. “Clinging to safety may be the result of past financial trauma or a deeply ingrained scarcity mindset.

But you can’t afford to play it too safe: Many women are living well into their 90s. “Shift from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. View money as a tool for growth rather than something to hoard,” says Pierre.

The Takeaway

Keep in mind that self-sabotage starts in your head with thoughts of: If I don’t do this, I’ll lose approval, or connection. “Identifying and challenging this belief is the first step to change,” says MacBride.

Secondly, view healthy financial habits as a form of self-respect, that means that it’s okay to put your financial interests first.

Build accountability. Consider working with a financial advisor, therapist, or support group to reinforce boundaries and encourage healthier habits.

Says MacBride, “With a few changes you can break the cycle of self-sabotage.”

Do you ever find yourself self-sabotaging when it comes to your finances?

*Michelle Smith is a pseudonym. Her name and identifying details have been changed to protect her privacy.

Sheryl Nance-Nash is a freelance writer specializing in personal finance, business, travel and lifestyle topics. Her work has appeared in Business Insider, Newsday, The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal’s Buy Side, U.S. News & World Report, among others.