Image: Rogistok

At a recent girls’ night, I was stunned when a friend told me she had never sexted. This is a woman who exudes sexuality, flirts with ease, and is more than a decade younger than me. Her generation invented sexting. Never?

She shrugged it off, but I insisted that she is missing out on one of the ultimate forms of foreplay. I’ve sexted with every partner I’ve had, no matter how casual or serious, since the advent of the iPhone. Sexting, for me, is the real gift that keeps on giving. It can make a single encounter last for days. It heightens the anticipation of meeting, adds a jolt of excitement to an otherwise boring day, and after, you can re-read the messages and relive the experience again and again. In some cases, the sexting is way better than the actual sex.

Plus, it’s just so much fun.

Think Sexting’s Just for Teens? Think Again.

Surely, I thought, I couldn’t be alone in this opinion. But I’m a journalist with a predilection for the written word—what did actual research have to show about sexting? It’s hard to say, because the bulk of studies on sexting focus on it as a risk behavior for teens. I was, however, able to track down one older study that looked at the behavior in adults, and it had some pretty interesting findings.

As I suspected, sexting is not rare: 88 percent of adults age 18-82 reported engaging in the behavior (for research purposes, defined broadly as “sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually suggestive images, text, or photos”), and 82 percent had done so within the past year. More surprising was this: In general, sexting was positively related to sexual satisfaction regardless of relationship status, and as age increases, that link gets stronger. “It goes against the idea that sexting is something young people do,” said Emily C. Stasko, MPH, PhD, a licensed psychologist at Portland Psychotherapy and co-author of the study. (She confirmed that yes, an 82-year-old did report sexting.)

Stasko chose the topic for her master’s thesis because there wasn’t a lot of research that looked at sexting as a form of communication. One study published in The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy a year later backed her findings, concluding that sexting among adults wasn’t related to risky behaviors like having sex without a condom, and for those in committed relationships, was associated with a feeling of increased connection.

While this research is far from conclusive, sexting can have a number of benefits, said Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, a sociologist and relationship coach. “People, especially women, with the ability to openly communicate about sex report overall better sexual satisfaction,” Dr. Gunsaullus said. “When women can give themselves permission to express themselves in this way, the naughtiness of it feels empowering and liberating—especially for women over 50.”

Expressing desires in written form may be particularly alluring for women, who inherit so many negative views of desire and bodies and sexuality. “Pictures,” said Gunsaullus, “can sometimes feel like someone else’s version of sexiness that is being imposed on us.” Plus, she added, sexts leave something to the imagination, and women like that.

Your NSFW Starter Pack: How to Begin Sexting Over 50

While Stasko’s research doesn’t prove that sexting will necessarily improve a relationship—the findings were correlational only—it makes sense that it can ignite a spark. “Particularly in longer-term relationships where it can be difficult to feel like anything is new and exciting, what this does is allow you to see your partner in a different light,” Gunsaullus said. “The main thing is that it’s fun and exciting and creative and unpredictable. It can be an unexpected secret sexual charge in the middle of your day.”

Of course, the real question is, how do you begin? Our experts had some advice:

• Safety First. Sexting is best done with someone you know and trust, but if you’re nervous about leaks, you may want to take some precautions, like using encrypted messaging such as What’s App or Signal, or setting messages to disappear after a certain time. Using an app rather than your phone number has the added benefit of making sure a sext doesn’t pop up at an inopportune time, or go to the wrong number, Gunsaullus pointed out. “Multitasking and sexting do not mix. Always double-check before hitting send.”
• Consent Matters. Stasko’s research found that even in long-term committed relationships, sexting was only correlated with positive outcomes when it was desired by both parties. This sounds obvious, but consent also involves discussions about what level of explicitness and at what time such exchanges are acceptable. The same message that may be warmly received when you’re alone in bed may not go over well before a big work meeting (unless that’s your thing). “If you feel like someone is starting a session and the timing isn’t right, just say so,” Gunsaullus said. Explaining that you’re busy with your kids, or at work, but can’t wait to get to this at another time can help ease feelings of rejection.
• Start With a Flirt, Not a Nude. “Start with something that feels more like flirting if sexting feels too heavy to you,” said Gunsaullus. This can be a simple compliment, or texting about what you’re wearing. “It’s important to start in a way that feels comfortable to you. Then, start to play with pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Notice what feels exciting.”
• Build Anticipation. You don’t have to rush into graphic sex talk. Part of the fun of sexting is building anticipation, teasing each other, and having fun. When it comes to building intimacy in a relationship, Stasko said, “Sex doesn’t start when you start touching each other. Sex begins when the last sex ends.” Sexting can be a way to do that—reminisce about the last time you were together and what you enjoyed, or what you can’t wait to do next time.
• Banish Embarrassment. Feeling anxious holds a lot of people back, and it’s no wonder. Any time a high-profile sext leak occurs, the messages are met with ridicule. “Out of context, almost anyone’s sexts sound awkward and bad,” said Gunsaullus. “But it’s completely different when we’re turned on. Endorphins and neurochemicals in our brains shift our point of view.” The person you’re sexting is going to appreciate any effort you make, not get hung up on your grammar or syntax.
• Stuck? Let AI Be Your Wingwoman. If all else fails, there’s always ChatGPT. Gunsaullus said if you truly feel like you don’t know where to begin, use an AI prompt and then customize it. “It will be way sexier if it is authentic to you.”

Like any other skill, sexting ability develops with time and practice, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you get giggly or don’t feel like a sex goddess after one session. “Being able to own your wants and desires can be hard,” said Stasko. “This can feel very vulnerable to people.”

But just imagine how good you’ll be by the time you’re 82.