Turns Out, Having It All Isn’t the Goal. Knowing What’s Worth Having? That’s the Win.

At 30, I thought I had everything: a job, health insurance, and a fiancé. Looking back, that was just the “starter pack” women were promised in our youth. I followed the rules, ticked the boxes, and believed I was doing “everything” right. But the boxes kept multiplying. At some point I started to shut out the noise and saw that I was living that TV commercial about the “24-hour woman” who could “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man.”

I’m part of the generation of women who were told we could do it all. So we did. We made lists, crushed goals, and powered through in heels. Downtime? That was for “old” people. But what if “having everything” was never the real goal? What if the strain of juggling it—careers, children, relationships (and bacon)—came at the cost of our good health and happiness?

The truth is, life rarely turns out how you imagine it at 30. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The journey itself is a great teacher. For me, since my kids have grown and moved away, I’ve made it a point to ask myself: What’s real, and what’s next? This involves making sure the “24-hour-woman” stays in LA-LA LAND.

Back Then: In Heels and Pantyhose

In my 30s, I wore pumps that I’m convinced were created by podiatrists to keep their businesses flourishing, and I never went anywhere without makeup on and earrings in. I also dreamed of writing stories for children—ones that might help them feel seen and understood, the way I longed to as a girl. But life got busy: two babies, a house, a paycheck to keep up, the endless balancing act of being everything to everyone. I got tired.

Today: In a Robe and Slippers

A few years ago, barefoot in my bedroom, no makeup, wearing a comfortable robe worn soft over time, I wrote my first children’s book. This summer—just as I turn 65—that book will be published. My Medicare card and debut children’s book will arrive at the same time. Not exactly how I imagined it—but an unforgettable convergence nonetheless.

Blooming on a Different Timeline

At times I’ve felt like a late bloomer. Or maybe just an orchid—blooming only when it’s the perfect time, with “perfect” being subject to mood, money, and motherhood.

Each decade brings new wants that guide us. At 30, I was all about setting goals, organizing chaos, building my home. My 60s are about streamlining—lowering the noise, decluttering, finding the sweet spot.

What the Psychologists Say About ‘Having It All’

To better understand what it means to “have it all,” and why that shapeshifts as we age, I turned to psychologist Dr. Margaret Rutherford. She referenced psychoanalyst Erik Erikson’s theory that life unfolds through a series of developmental “crises.” As you successfully solve each crisis, Rutherford explained, “you’ll be much more likely to feel that you’re in control and have it all.” Teenagers, she noted, “struggle with identity issues,” while older adults “are much more focused on seeing their lives as having meaning.”

Rutherford also pointed to the Social Clock theory, which she said suggests that “each culture defines a timetable with specific goals attached to each period; the more you stick to the timetable, the more you’ll feel that you ‘have it all.’”

But what if you veer off schedule? What if you bloom late—or bloom twice?

What ‘Everything’ Looks Like—by Age

So what does “having everything” actually mean across time?

I asked women in their 30s and women over 60—two generations raised on different promises. What surfaced isn’t just a change in values over time, but a natural transformation of how we define the goal.

Millennials share their thoughts:

“Having the house that all our friends and family want to be at.” —Skylar, 33

“Being surrounded by meaningful relationships, having a loving partnership and healthy family . . . feeling content without needing more.” —Annie, 33

“Having faith in God. Because even if someone doesn’t have their health, a family, or a stable financial situation, with that strong spiritual connection they can get through anything.” —Sonja, 30

Their answers reflect a sense of striving towards connection, belonging, purpose. But also a sense of pressure and getting it all right.

Older generations describe something quieter:

“I use the word ‘everything’ less now that I realize it is limitless.” —Jessie, 91

“My lifelong motto (sometimes attributed to Alexander Chalmers): ‘The three grand essentials in life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.’”  —Helene, 72

“An environment where I feel safe, appreciated, and loved. Possessions, wealth—they’re just things…” —Sylvie, 62

For older women, the having “everything” checklist faded away. It was replaced by a desire to let go of ideals and focus instead on truths—seeing and appreciating the lives they’ve built so far.

When ‘Everything’ Isn’t Working Out

Even with wisdom, life can kick you hard. Aging parents, ailing friends, rebellious body parts. Luckily, when the sun rises, so does my optimism. I can go to sleep miserable and wake up joyful. It’s mood amnesia and my superpower. Still, some days call for a pity party.

Pity Party Steps:

1. Take a nap.
2. Eat a large cookie.
3. Watch an old movie.
4. Eat another large cookie.

Truth Bombs from the Front Lines of Aging

Ages 30 to 65 have been a ride to authenticity. Not the ride I planned—or bought into—but a ride, nonetheless. Some of what I’ve learned has surely influenced my understanding of what’s important. I just wish I knew most of this at 30—it would have saved a lot of angst and heartache.

On Change: Plans unravel, fade, unfold. Be like Gumby.

On Family: Not everyone deserves a front row seat to your world. As Tara Westover said, “You can miss a person every day and still be glad they are no longer in your life.”

On Friendship: People can only disappoint you if you let them. Don’t let them.

On Love: Feed and water it regularly. Like any plant, it needs attention. Maxed out? Scream into a bag of chips, and then eat them, too. It’s all love.

On Work: You don’t have to love it. Just the freedom it funds.

So . . . What Is ‘Everything’?

“Having it all” is a myth, a commercial I bought into for a while.

No, life didn’t turn out the way I imagined at 30. It’s been messier, more nuanced—more beautiful.

I don’t have everything. But what I have matters.

Because here’s the truth—and what took me decades to see:

The real goal isn’t having more.

It’s knowing what’s worth having.

I do.

That’s my everything.

What’s yours?