Image: SFD Media LLC
For women who’ve built something worth protecting, “what’s mine is yours” isn’t romantic—it’s risky. Here’s why more women are rethinking what financial intimacy really means.
Beth Sterling was a successful tech executive when she married her husband at 41. Accustomed to earning and spending on her own, the idea of mingling their money was, for her, “a non-starter,” she recalled. “It never even crossed my mind that it would be anything other than: I would have my money, and he would have his. And that’s how we’ve done it ever since.”
That’s a relatively new attitude. Back in the day, combining finances—assuming a woman had any—was more or less automatic. But for many women in midlife today, it’s anything but. Sterling represents a growing group of women who are rethinking the role money should play in their relationships. Whether they’ve been divorced, widowed, or financially independent for decades, they’re entering partnerships with new priorities—and new boundaries.
The shift is about more than just practicality. It’s emotional. Psychological. And often, it’s earned. They’ve learned that love and financial dependence aren’t two sides of the same coin, and many are finding that keeping their finances separate offers a clarity and calm that full merging doesn’t.
Our Shifting View of Money and Love
The idea that love and money should move in lockstep? It feels downright old school. In our grandmothers’ (and often mothers’) generation, expectations about who was “head of household”—and finance—was clear. Today, women (especially 50+) are more likely than ever to have their own assets and obligations they bring to relationships. From children and mortgages to businesses or elderly parents, they’re more cautious about giving up control.
At the same time, more than one-third of U.S. adults getting divorced are aged 50 or older, and the divorce rate for those 65+ is actually rising. And many women are spending a fortune on lawyers just to get out of a marriage, only to be left with debt that’s deeper than an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
While the risk of divorce is a major factor in our increasing financial self-reliance, the simple fact that women outlive men is another.
I know several women who believed their husbands (or fathers) had the family finances locked down tight—until the men passed away. When they were forced to take a good look at the books for the first time? Shocked, disappointed, and facing a mad scramble to fix unexpected financial problems while still grieving the loss of their loved ones. “Nightmare” doesn’t begin to describe it. Can you blame us for being anxious about protecting what we bring to the table?
That caution is a big driver behind the rise in cohabitation: The number of couples aged 50 and older who live together without being married increased from about 1 million to over 4 million in recent decades. Only 23 percent of those cohabitants pool all their money, versus 66 percent of married couples.
Women are wising up. Simply handing over the reins to their financial future might mean getting sucker punched down the road.
Alternatives to Maximal Mingling
It’s not all or nothing. More women are choosing relationship structures that let them blend some of their money without completely surrendering their financial independence.
Here are a few of the models gaining traction:
Separate Finances Within Marriage: Some married couples choose not to combine income, savings, or investments, maintaining full financial autonomy while sharing a household and legal status.
Prenups or Legal Agreements: Often used in remarriage, these agreements define who owns what, how assets are managed, and what happens in the event of divorce or death.
Partial Pooling: Partners keep their own accounts but set up a shared account—or system—for covering joint expenses like rent, groceries, or travel.
Cohabiting with Separate Finances: Unmarried couples live together but don’t share bank accounts. Each person manages their own money and covers a portion of household costs.
Living Apart Together (LAT): Partners remain emotionally close but live in separate homes and maintain separate financial lives.
These choices aren’t just logistical in nature; they represent deeper emotional and generational shifts in how women approach long-term relationships.
Why It’s Different Now
Davina Adjani, marketing and public relations manager for HelloPrenup, said that more women 50+ are getting prenups not because they’re skeptical about love, but because they’ve already built something worth protecting.
“Women want to protect the largest asset in their lives: their homes,” she said. “Many of these women have already navigated divorce, widowhood, or decades of financial independence. They’re choosing to protect what they’ve built—often by keeping finances separate and securing their assets with a prenup. It’s not about mistrust; it’s about honoring their financial journey and protecting their future.”
Women may also be protecting an inheritance or another significant asset—not just for themselves, but for children from a prior relationship. This is when estate planning is the smart move.
But taking charge of your assets might mean leveling up your financial acumen: A 2024 Fidelity Couples & Money Study found that women are far more likely to credit their partners with having a better understanding of investing matters. There’s a learning curve, sure, but there’s plenty of advice to be had (free and otherwise). If you want to protect yourself, it means doing the work.
Don’t You Trust Me?
It’s typical that, having been raised under one set of universal expectations, we might find it challenging to adjust to a different (some would say “modern”) world. This is especially true of personal finance. The disparities between the lived experience of previous generations—our own, and our daughters and granddaughters—is enormous.
It’s not that older women today don’t trust their significant others today; they’re just defining it differently. Keeping some (or all) finances separate may be trust-building, rather than trust-breaking. Think about it: Individuals have very different ideas about saving, spending, control, life goals, and so on. Unless partners are truly on the same page or have ceded total control to one partner (increasingly rare), conflict is inevitable.
Finances were the primary reason for relationship conflict in 40 percent of disagreements reported among people in long-term relationships and are known to be a predictor of divorce. Keeping one’s money under their own control can be a way to avoid problems.
Of course, convincing a more traditional partner of the need to manage your own money might require some wine and lingerie.
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It
So, if money and commitment need not go hand-in-hand, each of us has the right to define “financial intimacy” on our own terms. Despite the discomfort, it’s up to every woman to decide: Do you want to have the (potentially painful) conversations with your partner, so that you can feel confident about your financial health? Do you want a couples therapist to mediate your discussions today—and possibly prevent litigation later? Do you want to trust your investments to a financial advisor rather than manage them yourself?
The attitude behind, “I just let my husband handle the finances” seems not only archaic today, but downright dangerous.
Whatever you decide, what’s important is this: You have options. Lots of them. And taking control of your financial future brings a sense of confidence and security that no amount of money can buy.
0 Comments