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Have you ever tried to join a book club? No? Lucky you. I spent years being rejected—yes, rejected—by book clubs across the country. I had no idea book clubs were so exclusive. You’d think I was trying to join some secret society. No matter where I tried, a sometimes snarky gatekeeper would say, “We’re full,” “Sorry (…not sorry), no room,” or my personal favorite, “There’s a waiting list.”
A waiting list? For a book club? Then this happened. On my last attempt to try to get into a club in Houston, I had to be interviewed, only to be ghosted afterward. I kid you not. I started wondering, is this a supply and demand problem or is it me?
Book Club Envy Is Real
Since selling my business four years ago, I have been yearning to hang out with like-minded women and the intellectual stimulation that comes with what I can only imagine happens in a good book club. After being told “no” over and over, I developed a severe case of book club envy. I now have the time, love to read, enjoy intelligent discussions, and even tour libraries on vacation (don’t judge me).
So why was membership so elusive? Close friends, my daughter, and my daughter-in-law were all in clubs, enjoying wine-filled nights discussing neatly dog-eared novels. Meanwhile, I was on the outside, looking in—with FOMO and frustration. Was it because I move around a lot? Was my bookshelf not giving off the right vibes?
I’m Not the Only One Obsessed
Apparently, I’m not the only one seeking membership. An estimated 5 million people, more than 70 percent women, belong to private book clubs in the U.S., with millions more joining massive online groups like Goodreads. And the numbers keep growing. Clearly, book clubs are hot.
But why are they so popular among women? Like much of history, we can point to patriarchal and societal constructs. The roots of women’s book clubs run deep. Women gathered in salons in the late 19th century to discuss literature, history, and the arts, promoting self-education and female empowerment. Book clubs evolved from this tradition, offering intellectual and social connections. Today, they continue to provide spaces for women to explore personal growth, shared experiences, and, of course, books.
If You Can’t Join ‘Em, Start Your Own
So, what did I do? I did what I should have done a long time ago: I started my own. We’d just moved (again), this time to New York, and I reconnected with a fabulous group of women. Naturally, they were all already in various book clubs. Naturally, there was no room for me. So, I asked, “If I start one, will you join?” To my delight, they said yes. Boom. Problem solved.
Now I’m the Gatekeeper (Irony, Right?)
I went from being left out to becoming our official book club gatekeeper. Now, I get to set the rules, hoping not to be that gatekeeper. During our first meeting, we put together some simple guidelines:
• Whoever hosts, decides: Two books and two dates are proposed. Everyone votes. If there’s a tie, the host breaks the tie.
• No date changes: You’ll be missed if you can’t attend.
• All genres are fair game: Bring on the guilty pleasures.
• The host serves dinner: Wine is optional (but appreciated).
• Meet every six to eight weeks: Just enough time to pretend you read the book.
• Daughters can drop in: Why? Because we love our daughters.
• New members: A unanimous vote is required.
• Page count matters: Keep it to under 450 pages if possible.
Why Small Is Better (Sorry, Not Sorry)
Now that I’m in charge, I get it. The secret to a great book club isn’t just picking the best books (although that helps). It’s about having the right mix of people. Our group stays small, currently with six members, and it works. Everyone gets to be heard, no one dominates the conversation, and we all have dining tables that can accommodate us. We’ve found a balance between socializing and serious book talk. Sure, there are larger book clubs out there, but from my extensive research (okay, Reddit threads), many devolve into, “I didn’t read the book, but I’m here for the snacks.” Keeping it intimate ensures that we actually, you know, talk about the book.
Picking the Perfect Book (Spoiler: There Isn’t One)
I’m learning more about the group dynamics of choosing the “right” book while trying to appease a diverse group of tastes. There’s no such thing as a perfect book. Even Oprah’s picks have been criticized—too “shmaltzy” and not literary enough, blah, blah, blah. Every club operates differently—some prefer bestsellers, others go for literary masterpieces, and many clubs designate a specific genre.
I prefer non-fiction, and I was surprised to learn that I am in the minority since over 80 percent of all book club picks are fiction. This trend seems to hold true in my club. After my inaugural first pick, every book choice has been a piece of fiction with rich character development. I’m being pushed to read new things, and I welcome the stretch. So far, I am enjoying all the selections, even though they are not books I would ever choose on my own. After all, isn’t that the point?
Have you ever faced book club rejection?
Is there drama in your book club?
What’s your favorite book club read?
I belong to two book groups. Both of them do the kind of gatekeeping you describe: I’ve tried to introduce new people, only to be told “no” because the candidates’ personalities might not be a perfect fit. I understand that book groups are afraid of someone who might try to dominate the conversation, but sheesh. These candidates are intelligent, well read, fun to be around, and wouldn’t be offended if you told them to cool it. They really want to join the club, and it’s hard not to take it personally. As a member of the “big mouth” club who enjoys a good (friendly) debate, I feel it’s bad enough having to deal with men who would keep us from being outspoken selves . But when women do it, it really stings.
Hi, This hits so hard, and you’re absolutely right – when women police other women’s voices, it stings in a way that’s almost worse than when the usual suspects do it. The irony is painful: We fight for our right to be heard in the office and marriages, then turn around and tell other smart women they’re “too much” for book club? We’ve internalized the very gatekeeping that’s been used against us. Your friends sound like exactly the kind of women who should be welcomed – intelligent, passionate, eager to engage. But somehow we’ve decided that “book club chemistry” requires everyone to stay in their lane and never ruffle feathers.
What are we so afraid of? That someone might have strong opinions about The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo? That they might actually want to dig into the themes instead of just saying “I loved it, it was so good”?
The saddest part is these groups are missing out on the very thing that makes discussions rich – different perspectives, challenging questions, the beautiful mess of minds that don’t think exactly alike.
Keep being the vocal one who fights for other loud women. We need more women willing to say “Actually, let’s make room for one more voice” instead of protecting some imaginary perfect dynamic that might not be that interesting anyway. Thanks for sharing this – and for trying to open those doors. Appreciate you sharing. —Susan
Our book club is open to anyone who wants to join. We usually never have everyone at every book club. We too provide dinner and they bring their own wine.
Interesting that you were turned down so many times. If you ever relocate to Chicago, consider this an open invitation to join our book club.
Thanks for the invite Chris. I might take you up on that if I end up in Chicago. The good news is I am now in another great book club. Interestingly, it is almost all men that have been meeting for many years. My husband and I go together which I really love. We read REALLY nerdy stuff. And the founder, hosts all the meetings and serves wonderful wine and a lovely dinner. It is quite deluxe. The conversations are all over the place in the best ways.
I really enjoyed this piece.
That said, I prefer snacks and not serious food, especially if I’m hosting. I have enough on my mind if I’m leading the discussion and getting the house ready and the cats off the table.
And, yes, I agree, the host picks the book. if I’m doing the heavy lifting I want it to be for a good reason.
Also I don’t drink wine, so maybe gin or vodka might be made available.
I love my book group of seven very different woman and we have good discussions and a great time.
Sara, Thanks so much! It is a big lift to get a full meal organized for all members. So far, my new club has done an amazing job. Hopefully we won’t get burned out. Love that you describe your group as “seven very different women”. The conversations must be unpredictable and fabulous. What are some of your favorite reads so far?