Have you ever tried to join a book club? No? Lucky you. I spent years being rejected—yes, rejected—by book clubs across the country. I had no idea book clubs were so exclusive. You’d think I was trying to join some secret society. No matter where I tried, a sometimes snarky gatekeeper would say, “We’re full,” “Sorry (…not sorry), no room,” or my personal favorite, “There’s a waiting list.”

A waiting list? For a book club? Then this happened. On my last attempt to try to get into a club in Houston, I had to be interviewed, only to be ghosted afterward. I kid you not. I started wondering, is this a supply and demand problem or is it me?

Book Club Envy Is Real

Since selling my business four years ago, I have been yearning to hang out with like-minded women and the intellectual stimulation that comes with what I can only imagine happens in a good book club. After being told “no” over and over, I developed a severe case of book club envy. I now have the time, love to read, enjoy intelligent discussions, and even tour libraries on vacation (don’t judge me).

So why was membership so elusive? Close friends, my daughter, and my daughter-in-law were all in clubs, enjoying wine-filled nights discussing neatly dog-eared novels. Meanwhile, I was on the outside, looking in—with FOMO and frustration. Was it because I move around a lot? Was my bookshelf not giving off the right vibes?

I’m Not the Only One Obsessed

Apparently, I’m not the only one seeking membership. An estimated 5 million people, more than 70 percent women, belong to private book clubs in the U.S., with millions more joining massive online groups like Goodreads. And the numbers keep growing. Clearly, book clubs are hot.

But why are they so popular among women? Like much of history, we can point to patriarchal and societal constructs. The roots of women’s book clubs run deep. Women gathered in salons in the late 19th century to discuss literature, history, and the arts, promoting self-education and female empowerment. Book clubs evolved from this tradition, offering intellectual and social connections. Today, they continue to provide spaces for women to explore personal growth, shared experiences, and, of course, books.

If You Can’t Join ‘Em, Start Your Own

So, what did I do? I did what I should have done a long time ago: I started my own. We’d just moved (again), this time to New York, and I reconnected with a fabulous group of women. Naturally, they were all already in various book clubs. Naturally, there was no room for me. So, I asked, “If I start one, will you join?” To my delight, they said yes. Boom. Problem solved.

Now I’m the Gatekeeper (Irony, Right?)

I went from being left out to becoming our official book club gatekeeper. Now, I get to set the rules, hoping not to be that gatekeeper. During our first meeting, we put together some simple guidelines:

• Whoever hosts, decides: Two books and two dates are proposed. Everyone votes. If there’s a tie, the host breaks the tie.

• No date changes: You’ll be missed if you can’t attend.

• All genres are fair game: Bring on the guilty pleasures.

• The host serves dinner: Wine is optional (but appreciated).

• Meet every six to eight weeks: Just enough time to pretend you read the book.

• Daughters can drop in: Why? Because we love our daughters.

• New members: A unanimous vote is required.

• Page count matters: Keep it to under 450 pages if possible.

Why Small Is Better (Sorry, Not Sorry)

Now that I’m in charge, I get it. The secret to a great book club isn’t just picking the best books (although that helps). It’s about having the right mix of people. Our group stays small, currently with six members, and it works. Everyone gets to be heard, no one dominates the conversation, and we all have dining tables that can accommodate us. We’ve found a balance between socializing and serious book talk. Sure, there are larger book clubs out there, but from my extensive research (okay, Reddit threads), many devolve into, “I didn’t read the book, but I’m here for the snacks.” Keeping it intimate ensures that we actually, you know, talk about the book.

Picking the Perfect Book (Spoiler: There Isn’t One)

I’m learning more about the group dynamics of choosing the “right” book while trying to appease a diverse group of tastes. There’s no such thing as a perfect book. Even Oprah’s picks have been criticized—too “shmaltzy” and not literary enough, blah, blah, blah. Every club operates differently—some prefer bestsellers, others go for literary masterpieces, and many clubs designate a specific genre.

I prefer non-fiction, and I was surprised to learn that I am in the minority since over 80 percent of all book club picks are fiction. This trend seems to hold true in my club. After my inaugural first pick, every book choice has been a piece of fiction with rich character development. I’m being pushed to read new things, and I welcome the stretch. So far, I am enjoying all the selections, even though they are not books I would ever choose on my own. After all, isn’t that the point?

Have you ever faced book club rejection? 

Is there drama in your book club?

What’s your favorite book club read?